A Journey of Working on Myself, For Myself
Post originally written November 7, 2023
Today I’m celebrating one year since completing my (initial) ketamine journey.
I debated sharing this, because it is vulnerable and very personal, but mental health is not talked about enough. Recovering and healing from mental health issues is not talked about enough. I am a social work major with a psych minor. I work in the mental health field. I tell all my friends to go to therapy. I figured it is time to be open about mental health on social media. Let's be real, that's where people get all their information anyway. I’m sharing this post in hopes that it will resonates with at least one person. I hope this story can make someone feel a little less alone or a little less hopeless.
I never thought it would be possible to live a life that wasn't constantly fogged by my depression and anxiety. More specifically, I didn't even know who I was without my mental health issues. I don't think people realize how terrifying the thought of healing is, because it means getting to know a brand new version of yourself. It is scary to have no idea who you are.
Before I started my ketamine journey, I remember having a conversation with my counselor. I told her that while, so badly I wanted to get better, I was so scared of what that meant. I didn't know who I was without my antidepressant and my birth control. I had been on those medications since I went through puberty. I had spent the past eight years being numbed to life, while simultaneously battling depression and anxiety. I knew the way I was living wasn't the way I wanted to continue living, but the unknown was terrifying to me. Who was I without my medications? Who was I without my depression? Who was I without my anxiety?
Eventually, I found the resources and support to begin the best journey of my life. A journey of working on myself, for myself. This journey was a mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual one. This journey is a continuous one. I plan and hope to be on this journey for the rest of my life. With the support of my counselor, the providers at Ketamine Infusions of Idaho, and my nutritionist, I was able to take the plunge into ketamine therapy. I am blessed to have the support system that I have in my life, including those mentioned earlier, my family, and my friends. Without this support, this journey would have been a lot harder.
Ketamine works by rewiring your brain. It creates new pathways in the brain that, in short, change the way you think. Working closely with a ketamine guide, I was able to set intentions for each treatment, process what was going on, and implement these new lessons into my life. Ketamine is not easy. It forces you to go places you do not want to go. It forces you to do the work you do not want to do. However, my hardest treatments were always the most life changing.
Ketamine helped me get to know myself better. It helped me understand some of my root causes, why I think or do the things I do. It helped me uncover trauma that I had buried, that I desperately needed to face. It has taught me that in order to heal it, you have to feel it. Through all of these lessons, and what I like to refer to as magic, ketamine has significantly improved my depression and anxiety. I no longer feel like I am depression or anxiety. I feel like I am me, and sometimes I struggle with depression and anxiety.
Since doing ketamine therapy, there has been days, and sometimes even weeks, at a time where I don't have those feelings of depression at all. The number of days that I just feel good or happy or content has skyrocketed. When someone asks how I am doing and I answer good, it doesn't feel like a lie anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I still struggle. I am in a constant battle with depression and anxiety, but I can handle it better. I know the tools and resources I have to help me when my battle gets harder. I still get triggered by things out of my control, but that's the thing, they are out of my control. I have learned how to take steps to handle those things and to realize they are out of my control. I still have toxic thoughts, but I can reason with myself so much easier now. Mental health is a continuous process. There is no cure-all or magic wand, and I don't wish there was. Working on my mental health is something I feel very grateful for.
I have been through a lot in my life, especially the last few years. For the most part, I keep those struggles to myself and those closest to me. However, there was one day when I was talking to a wonderful woman about me and my story. I told her some details about the things that I have been through, and she told me that it was amazing that I have handled these things with such grace and that I could be standing there telling her these things. That's when it really hit me. I've been through so much and I have lost so much, but every single day I choose to continue and to move forward with grace. I choose to work through my trials and to process things that would be a lot easier to bury. To be in a space where I am able to be working through and processing all of those things at the level I am, makes me feel very proud of how far I've come.
Throughout this process, I have come to realize the things that are important to me and the things that are not. I put so much effort into the things I care about, and none into the things I don't. Being able to channel my energy to the things I want to, rather than the things I've been told to, has changed my life. I am a better person because of it. I've also realized that the people who love you, will love you through all of your highs and all of your lows. I am a big personality with big feelings, but the people who love me love me, and the people who don't, well I don't care. The people who are meant to be in your life, will be.
This past year, I have worked through depression, anxiety, trauma, grief, guilt, and so much more. Mental health is a constant and continuous process that I get to continue to work on for the rest of my life. I feel lucky to be able to know myself at the levels I do and to be doing the work that I am. I feel lucky that I have the rest of my life to keep doing the work and keep getting to know myself better.
People always ask me if ketamine will change them into a different person. I ask them if I am a different person. Their answer is always no. I am still me, the same me I have always been. I’m just a better version of me. I am happier. I am gentler. I am stronger. I am braver. I am more easy-going. But these are all traits I already had, I just wasn't in a place where I could truly embrace them. Ketamine has helped me step into an authentic version of myself, and it’s the biggest blessing. I cannot wait to keep learning.
As I look at myself now compared to where I was at a year ago, I feel proud of the woman that I am. I feel proud of the work I have done.
If you or someone you love is struggling with mental health, you are not alone. You are not stuck. There is hope. You are not your diagnosis, no matter how bad insurance wants you to believe it.(; I know you are terrified, and that's okay. You are you, and you get to decide who that is.
It's time to remove the stigma surrounding mental health. It is not a taboo. It is not fake. Mental health is very real and in my opinion, just as important as physical health. Take care of yourself, friends. <3
If you are interested in ketamine, have questions, or would like to talk about anything mental health at all, please feel free to message me anytime. Visit the website for our ketamine clinic (oh yeah... did I mention I work there (; ) for more information on ketamine therapy. You have more resources and tools than you can imagine.
Xoxo, Jamyn
Comments
Post a Comment